Networking Strategies to Connect

If you’ve gotten this far without giving up, you’re amazing and I am impressed with your progress. It’s not uncommon to surrender in the face of a daunting mission, so congratulations on continuing your work through all the action steps.

The last chapter was all about setting you up with the best (and most effective) networking rules and principles so you can be most effective when you implement the strategies within this chapter.

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go with others.” - African Proverb

Now we get into the good stuff: strategies to connect with others so you can go farther than you ever thought possible!

1.) Know Your Approach

The first step is to know your approach. As previously explained, for you to have greater success in networking, you need to be perceived as high-power.

For the most part, you can behave one of two ways while networking: dominant or submissive. Both have their perks, but in most networking situations you want to be dominant. Why? Dominance is power measured in terms of strength. People who are high-power want to network with other people who are high-power. That way, there is more opportunity for collaboration where both parties are giving and there is less room for the chance of a “one is giving and one is taking” relationship.

High-power individuals seek out other high-power individuals to network with, in order to make sure the relationship they would be creating is in balance. One way to advertise that you’re high-power is by behaving dominantly.

The problem with behaving submissively while networking is that “submissive body language and behavior communicates that we accept the dominance of someone else over the environment and/or over ourselves. In a nutshell, submissive behavior relinquishes control and gives power to others.”[1]

In other words, if you behave too submissively while interacting with professionals, they’ll assume that they have more power than you. That leads to them perceiving you as high-warmth, low-power according to the stereotype content model. That’s not the bracket you want to be in.

So, while you should be behaving dominantly while networking, different people display and advertise their power (strength) in different ways, so there are many styles of dominance for you to choose from:

Styles of Dominance[2]¹²:

1. Physical Dominance: The Meatheads

- “Meatheads exert dominance through the (unstated) threat of physical violence. It’s not uncommon to find executives and CEOs that present a layer of physical intimidation.” However, this style is low-warmth and ineffective for networking.

2. Holier Than Thou: The Smart Alec

- “Smart alecs leverage knowledge to portray authority. Smart alecs carry themselves with a ‘better than you’ attitude. They act aloof and use big words, slow speech rate, personal distance and quotes to show off how smart they are. Their strategy for social power is elitism and superiority.” I’m sure you can see how smart alecs leverage the stereotype content model by presenting themselves as high-power this way. “Since we respect intellectuals in our society, Smart Alecs also have easier access to the elites of power,” hence the elitism and superiority behavior.

3. Masters of the Universe

- “This style mixes physical aggression and confidence with lots of resources. Masters of The Universe (MTUs) temper their physical aggression with suits and the trappings of more civilized social power. They think of themselves as both smart and strong, and they have the confidence of those who believe that nothing and nobody can stop them.” You are likely to run into a couple of these types on your networking journey, because these are the guys who most reliably reach top dog positions in their lines of work. After all, mixing civilized aggression, confidence, and an unrelenting focus on making money is one of the most reliable ways for dominant individuals to get rich—and that’s exactly what these guys do.

4. Attention Hoggers: The Jesters

- “Attention hoggers dominate by having the spotlight always on them. Attention hoggers are high energy, loud, and mischievous. Their weapon of choice to dominate others is social embarrassment. They have the power to play outside the rules and the freedom of embarrassing both themselves and the people around.” If you find yourself networking with any celebrities who are comedians, you will typically find that they use this style of dominance, maintaining the spotlight on them as they command the attention of the room with a funny story and possibly making light fun of the people around.

5. Flash and Confidence: The Upcoming Young Gun

- “Mixes physical threat with attention-grabbing flash. It’s a style suited for those who are not yet at the top. It’s the style of the new kid on the block. These guys talk loud and big, dress snazzy, aim to the top and always make a big show.” If you find yourself networking with rappers who have not yet reached celebrity status or whose music is not yet well known, you may find that this style is common. They may be wearing flashy jewelry and have little to no reservations when it comes to physically threatening anyone who does not consider them a “real rapper.”

6. Flashy Trendsetters: The Dandies

- “Notoriety is the dandies’ power. They feed on people’s attention and their reward is their attention. Dandies reward with their presence and punish with their disinterest. They are artists, hipsters, VIPs, dandies, fashion stars, and trend-setters.” You’re likely to come across these types if you’re networking with high-power celebrities.

7. Social Skills Power: The Charmers

- “Their power is social seduction. This is the prototype of the suave man. It’s versatile and adapts to different environments, it’s sexually attractive and makes lots of friends without many enemies.” There are very few cons to this style of dominance and it is the typical go-to for master networkers.

8. The Charismatic

- “‘Follow me, I know the way.’ Charismatic leaders deeply believe in something. They are on a mission, they are going somewhere. And they want you to join them.” You’re likely to come across a charismatic leader or two on your networking journey if you’re networking with high-quality, high-value men.

9. Sexual Power: The Seducers

- “Seducers use sexual lure and sexual energy to influence others. They are like the charmers, but on steroids. Sexual steroids.” This style of dominance is more common than you might think. Remember, dominance is connected to power and power is the measure to which an individual can get what he wants. Seducers use sex as a lure to hook in a big fish—a high-quality or high-value individual. You may notice the use of this style to gain other favors, such as seducers using this style to book modeling gigs. Refrain from using this style as a networking strategy; it can be very costly in the long run, as I’m sure you can imagine.

10. Cold and Distant: The Cold Blooded

- “Their power is social pressure: they unsettle all other ‘normal’ people. They could smile at you now, kill you in half an hour and not feel a thing. They don’t smile, don’t joke, and talk little.” This style is very low-warmth and does not make it easy to create friendships. You’re likely to have a very hard time networking if you behave like a stereotypical mob boss.

11. Been There, Done That: The Dominant Archetype

- “They exude the calm and confidence of someone who’s been at the top for a long time. With little to prove and long experience behind them, these guys are the ultimate archetypes of dominance. They mix the knowledge of their long experience with the coercive power of their ‘goons’ and the power of the vast resources they accumulated. They get people to move for them with the smallest gesture while they themselves move little and slowly.” If you spend enough time networking with financially successful CEOs, you’re bound to come across one or two of these.

There are other styles of dominance not included in this list and yet you may have already seen a style of dominance that you like. The common favorite is the Been There, Done That: The Dominant Archetype (DA) since that would present you to the world as someone who is already at the top. However, using this style of dominance without having earned those stripes is misleading and could leave a bad taste in the mouth of those you connect with who realize that you’re not as successful as your attitude led them to believe.

The most common dominance style of master networkers is the Charmer. The other styles have cons that prevent effective relationship building. For example, Masters of the Universes tend to be narcissistic and build their confidence on materialism, while Smart Alecs are unrelatable and many secretly resent them.

2.) Choose Your Method[3]¹³

Now that you’ve chosen your style of dominance (let’s say you chose the Charmer), it’s time to choose your networking method. Different professionals whom you want to connect with may require different methods.

Networking is about building relationships. Therefore, for explanatory reasons, I’ll simplify the concept of each method by defining them in the context of a man (the charming networker) looking to build a relationship with a woman (the target connection).

1. The Flirt

- This is the most common method used by charmers. This is the man—the charmer—who has a way with words.

2. The Detective

- This is the charmer who, when he likes a girl, does research to find out everything he possibly can about the girl he likes. He researches all of her interests, passions, and things in this world that she loves. This way, when the time comes for conversation, he already has a lot of information he can use to help build a connection. (These types of networkers are incredibly effective.)

3. The Promoter

- This method is all about self-promotion. When this charmer sees a girl he is interested in, he befriends all of that girls’ friends. He presents himself as an incredible guy to all the friends of the girl he likes. He treats her friends well, takes care of them, and may even go so far as to become friends with the parents of the girl he likes. Now, all of the people in her life who hold the most influence over her are telling her what an amazing guy this charmer is. With that, she decides to give the charmer a chance and the opportunity to build a connection is created.

4. The Success

- This is the charmer who might fit into the high-warmth but low-power bracket and is currently the person no one cares about. He understands that he needs to become higher power to get the girl he likes and decides to be so successful he can’t be ignored. He aims to acquire enough power to fit into the high-warmth high-power bracket so he can be the guy everyone wants to be around and get that date with the girl he likes. (This is the charming networker who’s so successful, everyone is talking about his success.)

5. The Man

- This is the charmer who understands that before people see him, they see his reputation. He takes care to consistently create and maintain collaborative relationships with the people in his life by giving value. He may give value in the form of encouragement or compliments, or even in something simple and small such as a smile. He does this consistently, because he understands that there is no value in having an old reputation. His charm loses its power if he’s recognized as the guy who used to be good, so he continually renews his reputation by giving value on a regular basis. There are no competitive relationships between him and others that involve value-subtracting behavior such as “I’m better than you” or “I told you so.” On top of that, he has a reputation for being amazing with other girls, spiking the curiosity of the girl he likes and getting her to decide to see for herself what he’s like. (As said by Mark Pagel in his book Wired for Culture: Origins of the Human Social Mind, “A good reputation can be used to buy cooperation from people, even people we have never met.”)

6. The Comedian

- This is the charmer who can make the girl he likes laugh. (This is similar to the Jester style of dominance, but with less competition. By less competition, I mean to say that this networker can make people laugh without having to embarrass others. By operating this way, he maintains his charming qualities.)

Generally, you’ll find yourself using more than one method at a time to connect with someone. An example is mixing the Flirt with the Detective. You may research a celebrity you want to connect with, find their number, and then call them. Upon calling them you use the Flirt method. You have the social skills of a charmer and a way with words that makes the building of the connection feel natural over the phone, allowing you to add them to your network.

3.) Use Networking Strategies According to Your Method

By now, you’ve gotten a handle on how the best networkers approach networking. It’s time to start thinking more in terms of networking strategies that are a bit more actionable for your method of choice.

There are hundreds of networking books out there with hundreds of strategies. Some focus on teaching you how to build your personal brand, which would be using the networking method The Success. You may have seen some that teach how to network as The Flirt but are curated more toward introverts who struggle with social situations.

I believe that every situation is different. Ideally, you should oscillate between different networking methods as the situation calls for it. I have outlined a general strategy that will get you started without confusing you too much with advanced material.

Step 1: Play The Detective

Research your target connection. If you’re attending a networking event, research who will be showing up and which of the attendees you want to connect with.

Make a list of names and do a thorough review of all of their social media profiles, making notes on anything you have in common to prepare you for the networking ahead. (What’s their favorite book? Who’s their favorite sports team? What ethnicity are they?)

Step 2: Connect on a Personal Level

It’s good to connect on a personal level with the people you meet, especially if you’re networking with high-value or high-quality individuals.

We as human beings each have the capacity to be bad or good, takers or collaborators. Different circumstances and mindsets will determine which side of us is drawn out—the win-win side or the taker side. People who are high-power are typically wary of takers and know that advertising their high-ranking position or revealing other indicators of their high value could unintentionally draw out the “Wow, I wonder what this guy could do for me,” side of the people they are talking to. That’s one of the consequences of creating a circumstance where you start by connecting on a business level (which is connected to your income) instead of connecting on a personal level (which is connected to your humanity).

Try not to be too quick to talk about work with the people you meet for the first time. It’s rude, and a good way to be perceived as a taker looking to quickly assess their value to judge if they are worth talking to. Not a very charming thing to do.

Step 3: Converse to Find Commonalities

This is where playing The Flirt is going to come in handy. Converse with the goal of first finding things in common. You can use The Comedian for this as well, cracking jokes along the way.

I’ve heard some describe networking by saying, “Every first impression with a potential connection is an audition to be their friend.” I completely understand where this statement is coming from. First impressions are fragile and hold sway over whether or not the target connection will be interested in continuing to build a professional relationship with you.

However, I don’t entirely agree with this statement. It encourages a mindset where you feel the need to prove yourself to the professional you’re looking to connect with (since it’s an “audition”). In reality, if you’re auditioning, they should be auditioning as well. As a high-quality man, you should be qualifying them as a good candidate to be in your network. If you two don’t have anything in common and don’t see the world the same way (in the sense that you’re a collaborator and they’re a taker), there’s no sense in connecting with them, even if they want to connect with you.

Finding commonalities helps you to screen your connections, but also helps to shift your target connection into viewing you more like a peer and equal. Psychologically (and logically), we like people who are like us more than we like people who we know we have nothing in common with.

This is formally referred to as the Liking by Association principle of persuasion. “One way that ‘liking’ works is that we buy more from those we like.”[4] In this case, you are persuading your target connection to buy into the idea of building a relationship with you.

Whatever you do, avoid getting hung up on all the differences you come across. This could cause you to miss the common ground you need to pull down the walls preventing you from doing business. Keep asking questions and include some clarifying questions to dig deeper, such as, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How’d you come to that conclusion?” For example, if someone you’re talking to tells you that they recently attended a big yoga event, even if you don’t share their passion for yoga, you can say, “Wow, that’s interesting. What was your key takeaway?”

On the conversational journey to finding common ground, you can start with the reason you both decided to attend the event at which you met and go from there.

A small word of advice: try not to ask too many “why” questions. In negotiation, the word “why” can make your question come off as accusatory. For example saying, “Why did you do it?” has a more negative undertone than “What caused you to do it?” Experiment with using the word “what” in place of “why.”[5]

That means that while networking, instead of saying, “So, why did you decide to come to this event?” you can ask, “So, what brings you to this event?”

Step 4: Learn About Their Passions and Motivations

Continue sticking with either the Flirt or the Comedian for now. It’s hard to use the other methods, such as The Success or The Man, at this particular stage in the strategy.

Ask them what they’re excited about and learn about their passions. This gives them the opportunity to steer the conversation toward something they really care about and want to talk about. Most everybody prefers to talk about things that are important to him or her[6], and charming people focus on the people around them, not on themselves. “Charming people ask questions, love people, and converse well by talking little about themselves[7].” Even though these charming qualities, such as loving people, can be faked (and have been by some politicians), be sure to ask questions with sincere curiosity and work to develop a genuine love for people.

A good question to ask might be, “What do you like most about your position?” Uncover their motivations, reveal their passions, and be sure to listen attentively to their response. If people don’t feel like you’re genuinely interested in them when you’re asking these questions, they’ll start to ask themselves what your true intentions are and whether or not they can trust you. This is because you’re acting incongruent. Your questions led them to believe you’re interested, but your attitude and behavior led them to believe that you’re not. Make sure you’re congruent by being a good listener with an authentic curiosity so they will want to trust you.

When looking to discover their motivations, asking the right questions is equally important as when searching for their passions. You can ask questions such as, “When you’ve worked on a project that you felt really good about, what did you like about it?” Then, you can take the conversation a step further and ask them to teach you a little bit about whatever it was that they mentioned. The idea is to get them to expand on what it was they liked about the project, because it invites them to share their passion with you in more detail and creates more opportunity for connection. By finding their motivations, you can find out what they care about and what’s meaningful to them.

For example, if they felt good about a fundraiser for mental illness in children, asking them what they liked most about that project will get them to talk more about what they’re passionate about. You can also ask them to teach you more about what most don’t know about the effects of mental illness on children. You can dig into these topics that serve as key indicators of something that motivates them.

This will also help you later, when you need to think of ways to give value. Can you make a donation to that person’s favorite charity in his name?

Step 5: Become Their Wingman

Let’s say you’re at a networking event. It can be easy to have walked into that networking event trying to call to mind everything you’ve learned throughout this book and hope you’re doing a good job networking. It can be easy to want to know how well you’re doing on your networking journey, but let’s now think about others who may be just starting their networking journey. Have you ever thought that maybe there are people in the room who are brand new to networking, or otherwise not so good at it?

I won’t go so far as to assume you picked up this book because you’re new to networking or are rusty around the edges; maybe you only picked up this book in search of ways to refine your skills.

Regardless, chances are there are people in the room looking to network who aren’t exactly sure what they’re doing. They may be walking around starting and holding conversations, hoping that with enough talking an opportunity will present itself. This is an opportunity for you to add value to them in a unique way.

As it stands, they are probably trying to rely on The Flirt method without knowing anything about it or how to do it properly. Do them a favor and shift them into The Promoter method.

Remember, The Promoter is all about self-promotion. Introduce yourself to the struggling networker and get to know them. Then, after some work finding things you have in common with them and learning about their passions, go introduce that person to other people at the event that you think he or she should meet. As you introduce that person, shine a light on them by sharing an interesting fact about them.

You’re helping to present this person as an incredible businessman, father, bowler, whatever you’ve learned about them that’s interesting and can be used to promote them.

Charming people build other people up, but this is why it’s so important to become a high-quality man first. People only feel good being built up by people with value. In other words, if a homeless person walked up to you and told you you’re kinda cute, are you going to be flattered and blush uncontrollably? Chances are that’s a “no.”

This step in the strategy can be used on anyone you meet, regardless of if the person you’re introducing is a proficient networker or not. Giving value this way is something people will undoubtedly appreciate, including your target connection you started researching in Step One. It will help build your personal brand as someone who operates in a collaborative frame and not as a taker who only wants to build himself up which would be a competitive frame.

After you’ve completed this step, grab their contact information.

Step 6: Give Value to Your New Connection

Hopefully, you didn’t throw yourself on your hands and knees for that executive’s business card. Hopefully, that professional didn’t hand you a fake smile and say, “Welp, it was cool meeting you,” and then walk off without the exchange of contact info.

Unless you did something crazy to make them change their mind about exchanging contact information (or you both had absolutely nothing in common and they decided that they completely hated your personality), gaining their contact information shouldn’t have been too hard. If it was hard, good. You’re a learner, so those are the exact experiences you need to improve.

One way to give value to your connection is by giving them power. You’re giving them power by being a high-quality man—a person with value—and connecting with them. By then, you’re both connections in each other’s networks, which helps build up both your resources. Connections fall under resources and resources are power in society.

However, if you think that just being a high-quality man and connecting with them is enough to start asking for favors, then you may have an entitlement mindset. This is the person who has a skewed idea of their worth. This person might actually know their worth, but know their worth a little too well. They ask for favors without giving any tangible value, because they have the mindset of, “Do you know who I am?”

If you don’t want to come off like a self-entitled prick, give more than just yourself as a resource. There is power in information, and you can leverage that. You can offer your unique perspective on a problem they are having. This is especially valuable, since sometimes it can be hard for a person to get unfiltered access to on-the-ground perspectives about their problem, organization, website, etc.

This is less about how you give value and more about following the Service Principle by giving, regardless of how big or small the gesture is. If you’re attending a networking event or a seminar, you can volunteer to help set up the chairs before the event starts. A small gesture, but enough to follow the Service Principle and enough to initiate a conversation.

Step 6.1: Give Value to Your New Connection Creatively

Now, let’s say that you want to connect with an executive. Typically, especially if they’re higher up than you, their network is bigger (and possibly higher value) than yours. Therefore, you can’t rely on giving value through introductions. The connection you’re introducing to the executive likely won’t be someone the executive feels like they need to add to their network.

You have to get really creative with how you give value, since you need to give value the target will appreciate enough to want to build a further relationship with you. If you can’t give value to your target connection, you can operate as The Promoter and give value to the people in that target connection’s social circle that they care about.

So, let’s say that you’re having trouble finding ways to give value to that forty-five-year-old executive who has been in the game for years and has the kind of massive success that makes it hard for him to find the time to chat with you.

This is where it might be time to switch methods to The Promoter. Can you connect with and give value to his twenty-five-year-old son? Maybe he’s pursuing music and you can make an introduction to someone you know in the music industry.

If the person you want to connect with is responding to you, work with them to find ways to give value creatively. Volunteer for charitable causes they support. Join their table at a fundraiser or participate in a walk-a-thon with them.

Step 7: Make Networking Notes on Your New Connection

By now, you should have a good idea of who your connection is and what they’re like. Take this time to take detailed notes on their interests, preferences, and any other details you deem necessary.

What is a good follow-up schedule for this contact? Monthly? Quarterly? What is their preferred medium of communication? Email? Phone?

The point is to make sure you don’t break rapport with your connection by accidentally calling them at an inappropriate time of night because you accidentally confused the time zone they live in with another connection you’re talking with.

This is also where you want to make a small note of any good follow-up topics you can use as a quick excuse to get in touch. For example, you can shoot them a quick email if their favorite football team wins the Super Bowl, or you can congratulate them if their company wins a large contract. This is another testament to the power of information, but can only be taken advantage of if you remember these details. The absolute best way to make sure you don’t forget is by taking note of them.

Remember, information is a source of power. Keep your relationships strong by keeping an eye on the big picture. Stay up to date and know what’s going on with their company at large. You can follow their company or organization on social media, join their mailing list, and even set up Google Alerts to email you any time their company is in the news. That way, when it’s time to deepen your relationship with your target connection you’ll know what’s going on and be able to add value to the conversation on a business level using the information you’ve acquired.

Step 8: Work to Create a Big Touchpoint

Small touchpoints are small ways of keeping the relationship alive, such as a quick short and sweet email to stay in touch. Big touchpoints are the actions you take that truly deepen the relationship, such as meeting face to face for lunch.

When working your way toward creating that big touchpoint, you should be focusing on giving value so that when you field your request to meet up, it doesn’t seem like you’re taking their time, their energy, etc. The idea is that since you’ve already given so much, a meeting is a fair ask.

A great way to give value that builds your progress toward that big touchpoint is sending them a bottle of their favorite wine and then sending them a short video message letting them know you’re grateful for their connection and that their willingness to respond to your emails gives you the encouragement to continue working towards your goals. Bring the video to a close with something like, “So enjoy this bottle of wine on me,” coupled with a warm smile and boom. A kind gesture like that, asking for nothing in return, is guaranteed to help deepen your relationship to where you feel more comfortable advancing towards bigger touch points without feeling like you’re asking for too much too early.

Relationship building is a gradual process. Forcing a friendship is a losing networking strategy. Instead of sending a few small touchpoints like emails and then jumping to a big touchpoint like a business dinner, go from small touchpoints to a medium touchpoint. What I recommend as a good medium touchpoint is asking for a ten- to fifteen-minute phone call—something almost anyone can fit into their schedule.

Make sure that, when making this ask, you make it easy for your target connection to say yes. Communicate why you want to meet them with a good reason. Leverage the persuasive power of “because.” In negotiation, I refer to this as preparing your persuasive motive.

You’re a seller. You’re selling the idea of why your target connection should agree to a ten- to fifteen-minute phone call with you. It is not really a problem to reveal your motives for selling. However, depending on the reason you give, your target connection will be persuaded into a positive or negative reaction.

If you were selling an old phone that you don’t use anymore and a potential buyer asked you why you’re selling it, what do you think would persuade them to buy? Would your persuasive motive for selling be that the phone is broken so you don’t need it anymore? Chances are that would persuade them into a negative reaction and they wouldn’t want to buy. Now, if instead your persuasive motive was that you recently got a phone upgrade and that’s why you’re selling the one you don’t need anymore, that would persuade them into a more positive reaction and they’d be more open to buying.

“Everything in life is a negotiation.” If you told your target connection that the reason you want a ten- to fifteen-minute phone call with them is to pick their brain on how you can get rich, they may not be too open to the idea of speaking with you. If, however, you said, “I want to grow as a person and respect you, so I would like to learn more about your leadership journey,” that persuasive motive has a higher chance of eliciting a positive reaction and getting you another step closer to that big touchpoint you’re working towards.

During the phone call, focus on connecting. Your connection can hear your voice, which makes the interaction feel closer than conversing over email. Get to know them better and, as much as possible, do your best to present yourself as a collaborator, not as a taker. Look for opportunities throughout the phone call where you can add value. If it comes up in the conversation that your connection has a lot on their mind because of work, maybe you know a meditation coach you can refer them to.

This phone call is a great time to ask how you can help your connection reach their goals. You can take some of the time in the phone chat to focus the conversation toward how you can help them, so that when it’s time for them to help you (by agreeing to a big touch point, like a lunch meetup), it seems like a fair ask.

At the end of this conversation, go back to periodically staying in touch and giving value. Then, ask for the big touchpoint, schedule it, and confirm the meeting.

Step 9: Ask for Advice

Now you’re at that big touchpoint meeting with your target connection. It could be something like a dinner or a lunch meet-up. Whatever the case, it’s a more intimate form of contact than the usual emails and phone calls.

The general idea here is to value their perspective. You wouldn’t be putting in so much effort to connect with this person if you didn’t feel like they could provide you with value or help in some way with your goals, so you want to give them the opportunity to provide you with value by allowing them to give you power. In this case, the power we’re looking for is information. Get their advice.

Throughout this conversation, continue building trust, building their likability for your genuine, authentic self, and connecting on a personal level. Even though you’re taking advice that relates to your goals, avoid making it all about business. It will break rapport and trust, because it’s incongruent to how you’ve been interacting up to this point.

Step 10: Ask for a Referral

Now you’ve built a relationship with this person. Throughout the duration of your meeting, you two have spent a decent amount of time exchanging ideas. They have provided you with some great advice and the conversation is drawing to a close.

Before the conversation ends, ask them if they can refer you to two more people who can give you some more advice or clarity on a subject you both discussed.

You’re not asking for a job and you’re not asking for them to refer you to someone who can give you a job. You’re not asking for anything major. You only want some more advice and clarity on your goals and you’d love to be referred to someone they trust to give good advice.

If you’ve been using this strategy correctly, you’ve built a professional relationship with this connection that feels like a friendship. Ideally, they should be happy to help you. If your new connection can only refer you to one person, that’s good. The point is to be able to connect with more people by using the good name of your connection, so you don’t have to endure the hassle of reconnecting with them as a stranger all over again. You want to use this process of asking for referrals from people you already know to eventually build up a rolodex of people you feel trust you, respect you, like you, and want to help you.

Step 11: Rinse and Repeat

Repeat this process until you have a robust network of high-quality and high-value individuals who can all contribute to your career and goal development.

As a quick note, you may not always need a big touchpoint before you can ask for referrals. In some cases (especially if your social and conversational skills are advanced), you can ask for advice during your ten- to fifteen-minute phone call in Step 8.

Whether or not you’re able to do this is mostly dependent on how well you’ve built a relationship with your connection. If you’ve been following all the steps but by the time you get to the call you can tell that your connection still views you as a stranger, focus on continuing to give value and wait until the big touchpoint.

Networking Tips¹⁴

1.) Take Care of Your Personal Brand. Be As Presentable As Possible.

Your reputation precedes you, so keep your brand consistent. Your personal brand in person could be that you’re a charming, high-quality man who loves introducing people, but if your social media—your online brand—contains pictures of you working Friday nights as a male stripper, I can almost guarantee that problems will arise on your networking journey. That’s an extreme example, but if you don’t treat your social media like an online business card you may miss out on key opportunities. If you leave your strengths and areas of value out of your online presence, people will meet you in person and realize that you were a hidden gem because your social media didn’t reflect how amazing you really are. Had they not taken that leap by deciding to meet with you, you easily could’ve missed out on that opportunity. Keep your online presence consistent with your personal brand to remain as presentable as possible. An example of one way to do this is by keeping your professional pictures up to date on online platforms geared more towards business (such as LinkedIn).

Everybody has a personal brand. Whether you’re a CEO or a college student, everybody has a personal brand, because everyone who’s alive has a story. In its most simple terms, your brand is what people say about you when you’re not around.

“Think about some of your favorite celebrities, public figures, or athletes. Even if you’ve never met them in person, whatever you thought about them, that conclusion is a reflection of their personal brand. The same thing happens in business because your personal brand isn’t just your name, it’s what you’re known for.”[8]

You can start crafting your personal brand by getting clear on your values and then sticking to them. The best networking values are to serve, to help, and to share. Stick to those values like a high-quality man and, in addition to having a brand as a college student or young professional, you’ll have a brand as someone who operates within a collaborative frame: someone who is not a taker. That’s a brand that attracts great connections and opportunities.

Also be mindful that your value is attached to your brand. People may know you based on your success or your goals, both of which are strong indicators of your value and help to define your brand.

There’s nothing wrong with a part of your brand being that you’re wildly ambitious and that you love getting things done or that you love people, but keep tabs on your value and your brand. Your value changes as you gain skills and experience. You can use the improvements in your value as a way of improving your brand so that it will bring you more success.

2.) Be Shameless

Being afraid to self-promote can hurt you in the long run. If you’re the one approaching professionals but never give them hints at your value, you’re essentially expecting them to put in the work to learn more about you and your achievements. That may work in some cases, but only rarely. The key is to know how to promote yourself in a way that doesn’t make you come off as the cocky guy who is unpleasant to be around. In other words, learn how to brag about yourself without bragging about yourself.

Here’s an example. Some people understand that when you ask a question you are likely to get asked the same question back. It’s an unwritten rule of conversation. So, to self-promote, they will ask, “So where did you go to college?” and when asked back, they will say, “Oh, I went to Harvard.”

That’s sloppy work right there. Instead, tell your victories through personal stories: “You know, it’s interesting, I like the fact that you’re a baseball fan because one of my good friends, who I knew when we went to Harvard together, he was also a big baseball fan and I remember when…”[9] That’s right. You were subtle about it and kept going down the conversational path you were on, as if you didn’t just name-drop an Ivy League school.

Now, I don’t think I should have to mention this last part, but I’ve seen it done before. Don’t name-drop celebrities you’ve never met or don’t really know as a way of self-promoting. Don’t say you met a famous singer when really you were in the stands of a concert with forty thousand other people.

3.) Be Seen

Make sure you’re constantly seen. Comment on social media posts, go to the big events in your industry that everyone attends, always be sure to remain relevant in the lives of others.

The “mere exposure effect” says that simply being exposed multiple times to someone leads us to like that person more.[10] When people see you repeatedly, that’s how they get closer to deciding to connect with you (and, eventually, making introductions for you). After all, if you were to notice the same woman at every networking event you go to, eventually you’re going to wonder who that woman is. You may even decide to spark a conversation with her, solely to figure out who she is. That’s the mere exposure effect.

4.) Follow the “Serve Others” Principle. Be Extremely Helpful.

If you spend your time asking without giving, you become obnoxious and annoying and are no longer a charmer. That means you’ve lost a large part of what made you an effective networker. Be of service to others. Give. Be extremely helpful.

5.) Be Warm and Be Positive.

Even when sending emails, make sure they have a warm tone. Do your best to use positive sentence structure as often as possible while networking.[11]

I once had a meeting that kept getting pushed back because the assistant of the person I was trying to connect with wasn’t updating the calendar. After the third time, the meeting having been pushed back three weeks now, I reached out with my second email using “positive sentence structure.” Here is an example of what I sent:

“Hi Barbara, please adjust your system’s calendar to be more coordinated with John’s and you will help us avoid the confusion caused by scheduling mix-ups. Thanks!”

Negative sentence structure would have been, “Hi Barbara, please do a better job adjusting your system’s calendar to be more coordinated with John’s. Our meeting has just been pushed back for the third time which is disrespectful to my time due to an unnecessary mixup on your end. Thanks.”

6.) Learn the Art of Small Talk.

Follow the Immersion vs. Maintenance Rule in conversation. In other words, if you are both immersed in a deep topic of conversation, staying there for too long could eventually cause uncomfortable tension. Balance deep conversations with lighter topics that help the conversation flow without becoming awkward.

After going small, you can transition back to deep conversation again. A good way to do this is using networking expert Bob Littell’s GLP conversation system¹⁵. When done properly, GLP—Global, Local, Personal—is a process to enrich the conversation by creating meaningful dialogue (as opposed to small talk).

For example, let’s say you are having a conversation with an executive named Dan. You say, “Dan, didn’t you mention that you’re in the music industry? I know a little bit about the music industry, but I’d love to learn more. If you would tell me on a global or international basis, what are the two or three major challenges that the music industry is facing today?” That would be the “Global.” Then you say, “Are those the same challenges within your company that keep you up at night?” This covers “Local” and “Personal.”[12]

7.) Keep Your Listening Skills Sharp.

You can listen with your ears, but you can also listen with your eyes. In other words, pick up on the social cues of the environment and the person you’re interacting with to know if you’re still being charming.

The person you’re talking to could be furthering the conversation, but only to be polite. If their feet are pointed towards the door, they’re using closed body language, maybe they’re also crossing their arm over their body to check the time, and they are tapping their feet. Make sure you listen to what they are subconsciously communicating. They may be in a hurry, and you should be respectful of that by politely bringing the conversation to a close (unless it’s very important that they hear what you have to say).

8.) Be Your Authentic Self.

If you try to use the Comedian method and you know you don’t like making jokes, it will make you come off as insincere. Be yourself. If you’re The Flirt, be that. Be what is most akin to your current personality, but don’t act outside of yourself. Pretending to be something you’re not will raise eyebrows (and not in the good way).

9.) Periodically Look in the Mirror.¹⁶

You want people to “refer” you to other possible connections. Keep in mind that a recommendation is different from a referral. A recommendation is like recommending a good movie. “Hey, you should really watch this movie.” A referral is where you have skin in the game and, as a result, your name is on the line. You might put skin in the game by writing an email, making an introductory phone call, or doing something that involves risking your good name.

In other words, if I really value my own reputation and I don’t feel the confidence to return the favor after you’ve introduced me to two or three other people, it’s time that you look in the mirror. If you’re doing everything right and nothing is coming back around, ask yourself what mistakes you may be making that are causing people to perceive you as not being worth the risk that comes with referring you to a good connection. Frankly, people don’t see enough in you that they’re willing to take that risk.[13]

10.) Master Your Technique.

“Everything in life is a negotiation.” Right now, you’re negotiating with your target connection to get them to build a relationship with you. You need negotiation techniques that get the other side invested in the negotiation. One that I love is “The Relentlessly Pleasant Negotiation Style.” In this style of negotiation, you are “soft in style, hard in substance.” You have to be relentless in terms of going after what you want (a professional relationship). If they opened your email but didn’t respond, follow up. Do not let obstacles like that get in your way. Do not stop following up and reaching out until you receive a clear “no.” While this relentless spirit will get you further than anyone who gives up after setbacks, you will also have a higher success rate by negotiating in a friendly, cooperative, and collaborative way. (You will find that aggression is another losing networking strategy.) So, keep sending those emails, keep reaching out, and keep connecting. Sooner or later, you’re going to get an opportunity. As the saying goes, “If you hang around the barbershop long enough, sooner or later, you are going to get a haircut.”

Another good technique is the “The Liking by Association Negotiation Style”: As previously explained, we buy more from those we like. We want your target connection to buy into the idea of building a professional relationship with you. Since you have more power in the negotiation, the more you get the other side to invest by being likable, the more they will like the idea of doing a deal with you (building a relationship with you). This is way more effective than if you lie, show a lack of integrity, talk too much, contradict them, or act judgemental.

Networking Best and Worst Practices¹⁷

WORST Practices for Connecting with New Professionals [14]

Don’t:

● Fail to offer an interesting—even compelling—reason why a new contact should be willing to meet with you. Don’t assume that an invitation is enough.

● Offer at least two to three dates or times as options for meeting.

● Offer a convenient (for them) restaurant or other possible meeting place suggestion in your communication.

● Think that meeting with you is the most important thing on their plate.

● Become angry or irritated in your follow-up communication if they don’t respond immediately (see above bullet point). Also, don’t assume the worst. They could be sick, traveling, etc.

● Fail to give appropriate context as to why you are reaching out to someone you don’t know. For example: “Mike, we are both friends with Bill Smith, who encouraged me to meet you regarding a new project I am working on. Your insight would be invaluable and I would be grateful if we could meet to discuss the work. I would also like to see if there is anything I can do to help you. Can you meet for lunch near your office any days over the next few weeks around 12:00 p.m.?” vs “Hey there Mike. I work for ABC Company and would love to grab lunch. When are you available?”

● Fail to be courteous. Don’t forget to be grateful. You have one shot at a first impression. Don’t blow it!

BEST Practices for Connecting with New Professionals [14]

Do:

● Try to make a “warm” connection. Can someone who knows the both of you make a warm introduction? This can help overcome obstacles and get you inside the door.

● Suggest a brief introductory phone call before pursuing a meeting, if reaching out to a new “cold” connection.

● Your homework. Check LinkedIn and Google for information about them to find what you have in common. For example: “Jim, I looked at your LinkedIn profile and learned that we both went to UGA and worked at Home Depot, although in different divisions. I am interested in meeting people from your organization and sharing some of the ideas my company is exploring in the supply chain. Do you have time next week on Monday, Tuesday, or Friday for coffee near your office at 7:00 a.m.? Isn’t there a Panera Bread down the street from you? I would be grateful for your time and I would love to see if there is anything I can do to help you in return. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks.”

● Respect their preferred method of communication, but understand that connecting cannot be done exclusively by email. Follow up your email with a call. The power of personal connections is important in making this work well.

● Try to view all of this through the filter of “doing business with friends.” If you see connecting and business development from this perspective, you are much more likely to build a solid relationship with a new contact before doing business together.

● Be flexible without sounding desperate or like you have nothing to do. Here is a correct example: “Susan, I am open most mornings for coffee except Tuesdays and Fridays—the earlier the better. I am also available for lunch the next three Fridays from 11:30 to 1:00 p.m. Meeting near your office is very easy for me.” Notice how, with this approach, we showed flexibility and offered several options, but they were our options.

● Think long and hard about what value you are bringing to this potential new relationship. Instead of focusing on only what you want, make sure you are considering what might be interesting and helpful for them.

● Always be courteous. Always be grateful. Acknowledge to the other person that you know they are investing valuable time in meeting you and it is appreciated. The basics always work, and this is as basic as it gets!

● Be authentic. To quote Oscar Wilde, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”

● Avoid leading questions. Leading questions are questions that are aimed toward getting the other side to answer in a certain way, typically yes or no. Phrasing questions this way closes the opportunity for open discussion. Instead of asking a leading question like, “Are you happy with your results?” Ask an open-ended question such as, “How do you feel about your results?” Also avoid relying too heavily on leading questions when fielding your requests. Instead of saying, “Is there any way we can meet for lunch at…” or “Do you think you’d be open to a ten- to fifteen-minute phone call…” Instead say, “How open would you be to meeting for lunch at…” or “How open are you to a ten- to fifteen-minute phone call…”

Action Steps:[15]¹⁸

1. Get a piece of paper.

2. Set a timer for one minute.

3. Write down as many first names of people you can think of who are well-equipped to help you with your goals.

4. When the timer goes off, start networking. Start at the first name at the top of your paper and research what events they attend, find their email, figure out who you know that could introduce you, get information, and get started.